almost a plan

Dr. Derman and I finally managed to catch up with each other and stop playing phone tag on Friday morning. He said R’s latest SA was on par with the last one. He would like to move right to IVF with ICSI to bypass our motility issues. The office is going to contact my insurance and see if they will go for that. They may require us to do IUI with Clomid first, but Dr. Derman said that would be a waste of our time (I hope I’ll be able to get that quote out of my head if insurance makes us go that route first). He wants me to come back in to redo my CD3 bloodwork (tomorrow morning), and we’ll go in as soon as they talk to my insurance to discuss our plan. If all goes well, he said I will start Lupron on CD20.

On one hand, it freaks me out a bit that he thinks we need to jump to IVF with ICSI as a first step. We are not interested in donor eggs or sperm, or surrogation – we have kind of an “all or nothing” approach to this. Our feelings are that this kid will be totally, biologically, genetically both of ours, or we will adopt. So it feels like this will be our first and only plan with the doc. I am excited that he doesn’t feel the need to try something that probably won’t be successful; the thought of BFNs with help sounds just so much worse than the ones we’ve gotten on our own. Like they’d be even more of a failure (which, for better or worse, is still how I see our lack of any buns in the oven).

But on the other hand, what if this doesn’t work? Is there a biological plan B? We’ve talked about adoption quite a bit, and I think we are both really ok with the idea, but I always imagined it would take longer to get there.

I think that’s the big thing: I always imagined it would get to this point, that we would need this much help, but it seems like it is happening so quickly. I just need to think positively, that this just means that however it happens, we’re getting closer to our family quickly.

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