sometimes this sucks

i like to think that i’m not quite that bitter yet.  but three four pregnancy announcements and two new grandparent announcements (complete with photos) in the past week are testing my resolve.  each one hurt a little bit, but i kind of lost it this evening when i realized that not only would we be spending thanksgiving with my two adorable nephews, but also with r’s cousin.  who is also adorable.  but who just announced her new pregnancy.  which makes kid number three.  and the youngest is just over a year old right now.  i wonder where i’ll be in my meds by then.  must remember to ask the doc about alcohol….

——

at lunch in the teacher’s lounge today, the math teacher was asking if everything was ok (guess i looked as bad/annoyed/exhausted as i felt).  i told her i was just tired, and she gets a huge smile on her face: “any special reason?  anything you want to share?”  luckily no one else was really paying attention/listening to us.  i tried thinking of something witty to respond with, but finally just thought fuck it all and told her i was tired and stressed, and part of it was because of my appointment yesterday.  i knew she wouldn’t gossip, and she makes some comment about me popping out a kid every few weeks (although always in a really sweet, grandmotherly way).  i wasn’t terribly surprised when she said that her and her husband had gone through ivf about 20 years ago without any luck.  she has two middle school aged girls that they adopted from china, and her and her husband are much older than the parents i normally see at school, so i kind of always suspected.  it’s nice that she gets it now.  and it’s nice having someone else i can talk to who understands.

——-

last week in lunch, we were talking about the prevalence of disabilities in children increasing.  one of the older teachers suggested how, in her generation, babies didn’t often survive if they were born prematurely or with other complications that don’t have to be fatal nowadays, and she always wondered if there was a correlation.  it was a good, thought out conversation – everyone was sharing research that they had read and anecdotes from their experiences.

and then one of the teachers said she was “positive that the problem is all those fertility drugs we pump people full of.”

as other people asked her where she had seen/read this, i could feel my face getting red, and i was trying to come up with some comment to (1) put her in her place and educate her a little bit, while (2) not give anything away about our personal situation.

and then i looked up and caught the eye of one of my coworkers who knows what we are going through, and who conceived her daughter through a last ditch ivf cycle that her doctor was convinced was a waste of time almost 20 years ago.

and she said, “you don’t have any research to back you up, because there is none.  my daughter was conceived with ‘all those fertility drugs we pump people full of,’ and she is absolutely perfect!” as she packed up and walked out of the room.  i just hope she didn’t miss the look on the stupid lady’s face.

——-

sometimes i wonder if i’m being an idiot about telling people.  i’ve never been good with boundaries and always share too much.  i feel like withholding the truth is lying (which is just a weird double standard i have for myself).  we’ve told both our parents (well, not my dad, but that’s a post for another day), and my brother and his girlfriend.  most of my girlfriends (all four of them) know we are having trouble, but not a lot of details.  i decided to tell my three co-teachers, since my absences and any side effects can potentially effect our classes.  five other co-workers i’m close with know.  i told my supervisor in my department and my building principal (which i should remember to post about).  it seems like a lot when i write it all out like that.  but most of them won’t know many details, and the ones who will are either people i would need support from if something goes wrong or people that have recent pregnancies and will be a wealth of info when we finally get there.

i know IF affects one in eight couples, but i was really surprised that of the people i’ve talked to, three of those couples needed help.

and those are only the ones that i’ve actually talked to…

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