so far i’m doing ok. instead of wallowing in self-pity and curling up into the fetal position on the couch – my usual MO when things aren’t going well – i managed to get up and keep myself busy this weekend. after months of various paint samples on the walls of the dinning room, i finally picked up and threw up a couple of coats. it was nice to have something to focus on rather than dwelling on the what-ifs.
H, the physician’s assistant, called around 3:30 on thursday with the news. i can’t imagine there’s ever a good way for that conversation to go, but she royally fucked it up (see other stupid phone calls with her for more background). and i mean royally. after telling me that i wasn’t pregnant, she then says “and i see here you didn’t have anything left to freeze.”
i had been silently crying all along, but now i was hysterical. and ranting and raving. after pointing out that we were told there were three more that were suitable for freezing, and then had no contact afterwards indicating otherwise, so we had assumed there were three more on ice, she began stammering that it looked like a page was missing from our file.
wtf. you can’t keep papers straight and i’m trusting you with my unborn children? and seriously, you can look at that shit before you call me?
she put us on hold to go find the original paper, and came back to confirm that we did have three frozen: two 6-cells, and a 7-cell. i didn’t think to ask grading at the time. she then had trouble accessing the scheduling program to set up our wtf appointment, i lost my patience and told her i would call the benefits coordinator to take care of it later.
and then there was lots of crying and cuddling. followed by a fair amount of drinking (which quickly made me buzzed after a few months of abstinence).
so getting the call sucked, but calling our parents sucked more. so much so that we are trying to figure out how to move forward without having to risk making that call again (but i think that will be its own post soon). it’s hard enough to deal with the pain and sorrow we feel for ourselves, i don’t think i can handle theirs too, especially with the guilt thrown in on top of it all.
i got a text this morning from a good friend – his wife gave birth to their third child yesterday. i was so so so relieved when i realized that i was genuinely happy for him, that i could be happy for him, even just a few days out from our BFN. i know that we’ll have a family some day – however we end up making it – but i am terribly afraid of who i will be when we finally get there. but this morning, i was able to reassure myself that i haven’t yet turned into a “bitter barren broad.” so i guess that means i am still doing ok-ish.