so far i’m doing ok.  instead of wallowing in self-pity and curling up into the fetal position on the couch – my usual MO when things aren’t going well – i managed to get up and keep myself busy this weekend.  after months of various paint samples on the walls of the dinning room, i finally picked up and threw up a couple of coats.  it was nice to have something to focus on rather than dwelling on the what-ifs.

H, the physician’s assistant, called around 3:30 on thursday with the news.  i can’t imagine there’s ever a good way for that conversation to go, but she royally fucked it up (see other stupid phone calls with her for more background).  and i mean royally.  after telling me that i wasn’t pregnant, she then says “and i see here you didn’t have anything left to freeze.”

i had been silently crying all along, but now i was hysterical.  and ranting and raving.  after pointing out that we were told there were three more that were suitable for freezing, and then had no contact afterwards indicating otherwise, so we had assumed there were three more on ice, she began stammering that it looked like a page was missing from our file.

wtf.  you can’t keep papers straight and i’m trusting you with my unborn children?  and seriously, you can look at that shit before you call me?

she put us on hold to go find the original paper, and came back to confirm that we did have three frozen: two 6-cells, and a 7-cell.  i didn’t think to ask grading at the time.  she then had trouble accessing the scheduling program to set up our wtf appointment, i lost my patience and told her i would call the benefits coordinator to take care of it later.

and then there was lots of crying and cuddling.  followed by a fair amount of drinking (which quickly made me buzzed after a few months of abstinence).

so getting the call sucked, but calling our parents sucked more.  so much so that we are trying to figure out how to move forward without having to risk making that call again (but i think that will be its own post soon).  it’s hard enough to deal with the pain and sorrow we feel for ourselves, i don’t think i can handle theirs too, especially with the guilt thrown in on top of it all.

i got a text this morning from a good friend – his wife gave birth to their third child yesterday.  i was so so so relieved when i realized that i was genuinely happy for him, that i could be happy for him, even just a few days out from our BFN.  i know that we’ll have a family some day – however we end up making it – but i am terribly afraid of who i will be when we finally get there.  but this morning, i was able to reassure myself that i haven’t yet turned into a “bitter barren broad.”  so i guess that means i am still doing ok-ish.


8 thoughts on “ok-ish

  1. Over here from Stirrup Queen’s roundup…Your comment about telling your parents feel so right on with me dealing with my parents about infertility. My mom is full of cliches about “one step at a time”, etc., and my dad is so anxious about the whole thing that I have to mentally prepare myself to talk to him, because I end up comforting him, rather than the other way around. Makes me want to keep it to just me and my husband.

  2. If you didn’t curl up into a fetal ball when you got the baby news, I’d say you are doing a LOT better than ok. 🙂

    I’m sorry that this cycle didn’t work for you. I’m glad that you do have embies on ice, in spite of the PA’s stupidity. Best of luck with your WTF appt, and your frozen cycle…when/if you decide to do it.
    Here from Friday blog roundup.

  3. Also here from the roundup. I remember during IVF #2 on a follicle check the nurse started freaking out about how many follicles I had. Turns out she thought we were doing IUI instead of IVF. You really can’t take two seconds to read my chart? Didn’t give me a great feeling.

  4. Here from the Roundup. I remember saying what you’ve just said – “it’s hard enough to deal with the pain and sorrow we feel for ourselves, i don’t think i can handle theirs too.” Which is why we didn’t tell anyone we were doing IVF. It made it so much easier to cope with.

  5. what an insensitive person! how frustrating! I actually miss my fertility clinic so much now that I have graduated to a normal ob/gyn just because of the wonderful nurse. She was one in a million who used to answer all my many emails and just a wonderful person. Now when I send this new place an email with a question I get an answer that doesn’t have much to do with my question. Sigh. I guess I will just figure things out…
    Wishing you strength to cope and success with your fet. Holding thumbs and saying prayers.

  6. I am so sorry. I think bedside manner training should be required for nurses like the one who spoke with you. I never understand why people like that go into the nursing profession. I hope that she is a little nicer next time! I am glad you have 3 frozen embies. I know that gave me hope after my ivf when I had 2 frozen embies. Wishing you the best…

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