so if you know me in real life, i can have a hard time taking suggestions from other people.  all those people that say to keep this whole IF business to yourself?  ha!  we don’t have to do that.  things will be different for us.

honestly, a big part of it is my long standing issues with having appropriate boundaries.  and long standing parental issues.  when i withhold information from my mom (dad will be his own post if when i’m ready to tackle that one) i always feel like i am being dishonest with her.  and i have always dealt with problems by talking them out with every. single. person. who will listen.  and this shit is hard to deal with.

so we were really open during our ivf cycle.  parents and siblings were told.  and my close friends (R is more appropriately private about stuff).  and then, since i was missing so much school/looking like i was already pregnant (thanks meds)/feeling crappy at work, my co-workers slowly found out. so, um, you know, pretty much everyone that i have regular contact with.  ooops.

some of them have been great.  they wait for me to bring it up.  they ask how i am instead of if it’s worked yet.  can i just say, guy friends are kinda great for this.  they tend not to really ask medical questions about girly stuff.  i can think of a few people that i will continue to share information with.  i think that i will need to be able to keep talking to someone.

but the parents and the siblings and the very nice, well meaning co-workers?  no.  for one thing, telling people it didn’t work sucked.  it’s awkward – no one knows what to say (laura bush describes this wonderfully).  another BFN, i think i can handle that.  lots of practice and all.  but calling my mom and telling her i’m not pregnant?  no thank you.  not doing that again.

and while people have been great, the fact that everyone knew meant that for about two months, the vast majority of my non-work-related conversations were about IF.  and the hours i spent each night reading and surfing the web looking for more information about IF.  and, um, pretty much every waking moment wondering if this was working, how awesome our kid(s) will be, and how much IF sucks.  my life was completely consumed by my inability to have a baby.  and that doesn’t help.

so, um, let’s not do that again, ok?


5 thoughts on “boundaries

  1. Dropping in from ICLW
    We are headed toward IVF #1 – and everyone around me knows, too. I’ve thought about how much it will suck to have to tell everyone if it doesn’t work, but its too late now. I kinda ruined that when I started my blog. I’m so sorry to hear about your BFN. 😦

  2. Hi. Also found your blog on ICLW.
    We are most likely headed for IVF + ICSI as well. Currently we have 0 sperm, but we’re hoping that changes with the meds Hubby’s been taking.
    So sorry about the BFN. I already regret having told so many people at work about our struggles because, yeah, we very well might have to have those same conversations. And it sucks.

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