brain dump

my mind feels like it has been a million different places lately, so i’m not even going to attempt a coherent post.  so in no particular order:

  • i finally jumped on the bandwagon and starting watching Downton Abbey.  thanks to hulu and the pbs app, i am all caught up, and completely addicted.  made it much easier to get through my quarterly reports this weekend.
  • the dryer crapped out on us last night, so we will be spending our valentine’s evening hitting up appliance sales.  we’ll need a gas one, and it looks like it will take about a week to get one delivered.  lucky us, tonight it the only night this week we are both free.  you know you’re jealous of our hot date.
  • speaking of crappy valentine’s days, it started with peeing on a stick this morning.  don’t get excited, it was negative of course.  today’s CD 39.  there was this little voice in the back of my head saying maybe!  maybe we did it on our own!  of course i wasn’t temping or using OPKs, so who the fuck knows what’s going on.
  • on the positive side though, i see Dr. Y in a week, so there’s a chance that this extra long cycle will mean we can do any tests she needs right away rather than waiting until the next cycle.
  • quick tip for all you fertile people out there – when i am complaining about Dr. Derman’s office mixing up the files, the appropriate response is not “well it’s a good thing you didn’t get pregnant, who know who’s babies they would be.”  thanks mom.
  • oh, and while we’re at it, i should also thank mom for the conversation we had yesterday.  the day after our BFN, she ended up at the ER.  after doing some other testing, her doc concluded it was a panic attack.  when i mentioned that she should be feeling better now that two major stresses in her life have died down, she pointed out that now all she has to worry about is me.  good thing we’re not telling her anything anymore, now she doesn’t have anything to stress about.
  • had another awesome monthly dinner with one of my friends.  she’s the best friend an IF girl could ask for, but i think she deserves her own post.  this past weekend, she was great.  even in a living room surrounded by her daughter’s toys and her baby bump right there, i actually was able to forget for a few minutes that she had everything i was fighting so hard for.  she could articulate my frustrations and concerns better than i could.  she always asks how i am doing, and not how things are going (i never realized the difference that can make until we started all this shit).  and when i want to talk about it, she listens and asks good questions.  a couple of months ago she even apologized for asking so much, but said that she thinks the science behind IVF is fascinating.  i totally agree.
  • of course, after such a great evening, i come home and see R’s sad face.  the best man from our wedding had called, and i knew right away.  they’re 9 weeks along, with twins.  as bummed as i was, i was doing ok, until i did the math.  they conceived around the same time of our failed IVF.  ouch.  that’s going to be tough to deal with for the next 31 weeks…
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4 thoughts on “brain dump

  1. You’ve got a lot going on. I hate when appliances crap out–there’s never a convenient time for that to happen. Or to hear about yet another pregnancy/baby shower/announcement, etc. I hope your appt. with Dr Y next week goes well! And I’m so glad you have a friend IRL that makes you feel like a person (instead of some kind of science experiment). I don’t know what to say about your mom. Moms can be the worst sometimes, and I honestly don’t think they realize.

    • i think my biggest thing with my mom is that i don’t know how to tell her when she hurts me. we have this weird dynamic where i get hurt/upset/talk about the awkward stuff, and she manages to shut me right down. the constant refrain while i was growing up was that i was the dramatic one, and i am terrified of living up to that label. so i clam up, instead of protecting myself. at least i’ll keep my therapist in business, right?

  2. First, now that you are caught up on Downton Abbey, check out North & South (the BBC show, not the show about the Civil War). It’s not quite as soap opera-like as Downton, but it’s only 4 episodes so a quick watch. I need more British period dramas!

    And second, I have the same friend. Two of them, actually. Surrounded by them, their two kids, all their toys, etc. I still love every minute I spend with them. They totally get me, always know just the right thing to say, and when not to say anything. Everyone needs IRL friends like them.

    And your dryer story reminds me I need to do laundry… 🙂

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