i know i’m preaching to the choir here, but IF fucking sucks. i feel like i’ve had this dark cloud hanging over me lately. granted, it’s not all no-baby-yet related, but that’s a big part of it. overall, i think i am doing really well, but damn, it’s exhausting trying to hold it together.
until recently, i was handling pregnancies of people i actually know fairly well, even though complete strangers bring out the jealously. but i think i have officially crossed the line – the more i think about it, the more upset i am about our best man expecting twins (well, you know what i mean, his wife). there’s three girls that i have to interact with on a fairly regular basis that are in their third trimesters, and that is getting harder and harder. today i was talking to one of them, and i kept getting distracted by her baby doing somersaults. i had to cut the conversation short and get out of there – i just couldn’t take it.
last night at therapy i kind of fell apart. for the first time, i admitted that there’s a small part of me that thinks this is all futile. that we’ll go through our three remaining fresh cycles and any frosties we get, and still be sitting here with empty arms. and then we start all over again with the long process of adoption. on one of the blogs i follow (but of course can’t find right now), they were talking about the utter suckiness of the uncertainty of all of this. if you could tell me that this will all eventually work out, i think i could deal with it a lot easier. even if i didn’t know how long it would be. but to go through all of this with no guarantee at the end? yuck.
and oh my buddha, the complete lack of control that comes along with IVF. i think that’s the big problem right now: we’re just waiting for the new doc. which scares me. what if the last place messed up? what if there are more tests to run, more problems to find? what if Derman’s stance on not treating endo isn’t what’s best for me? and this doesn’t always work. there are people for whom it doesn’t work. what if we’re one of them?
and this is me just under two years into trying, just one IVF under our belt. i know i’ve said it before, but i’m terrified of who i am going to become before this roller coaster is all over. this isn’t going to just all go away once we get pregnant. i’m not that naive anymore. and i think i am mourning that innocence. will i ever get to feel that unhindered excitement?
i know i need to stay optimistic. and rationally, i know that we will have a family some day, however we have to get there. but hope feels like a scary thing lately. hope can break your heart, and crush your dreams. but at the same time, hope is the only thing that can drag you through this bullshit.