well, that was awkward

in the whole actively-trying-to-make-a-baby department: my period FINALLY showed up yesterday, so i have my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound tomorrow morning.  from what i understand, they all meet together monday afternoons to discuss the current cycles, so that’s good timing.

but in the mental-health-while-actively-trying-to-make-a-baby department, maybe things aren’t going as well as i had thought have been pretending.  today was not a great day.  today, i was the crazy infertile lady crying and causing a scene in ikea.

so short longish backstory (i couldn’t tell a short story to save my life): we bought our house almost exactly a year ago, and have been very slowly making (mostly cosmetic) changes as we get settled in.  the first floor is pretty much set for the short (and cheap) term, but we haven’t done too much to the second floor.  up there, we have a bathroom, two normal 1920-sized bedrooms, and one teeny-tiny bedroom.  back when we had only been trying a few months and first looked at the house, the teeny-tiny bedroom was an adorable nursery, and we planned to use it for the same purpose.  surely, by the time we closed on the house, we would be pregnant, right?  it would be perfect timing.  ha!

needless to say, the teeny-tiny bedroom is not yet being used, other than for storage.  the second normal sized room is being used as our guest room with a crappy old futon.  we had been planning to replace it now that we are never ever moving again and were settled.

but then we went right to ivf.  and with ivf comes the very real possibility of twins.  and the teeny-tiny bedroom could not work for more than one baby.  so we put the upstairs settling in on hold until we knew what room would be for baby (babies?) and what room would be for guests.  but we agreed that there would be a nice bed somewhere for guests before our parents came to visit as grandparents.

in the meantime, it looks like brother & his fiance are coming to visit.  and mom, stepdad and baby brother are coming to visit, possibly with grandpa.  and they may all be coming at the same time.  cue me freaking out: we need a good bed!  granted they can’t all sleep on it, but we need at least one good bed in the house.  so i pick out a twin daybed from ikea that opens up into a double bed.  it’s prefect!  room for guests.  could work as a bed for a potential child after they’re done with their crib.  if we need two cribs, it could be seating in the bigger nursery.  the style would work in a nursery if needed.

and now we’re up to the present.  so today, we go to ikea to pick it up before company descends on us in a few weeks.  but R doesn’t like the bed, it seems really flimsy.  i pout a little, reassure him i read tons of reviews that were good, and complain that this is really the best option for us right now.  we look at a few other choices, and R suggests that we just get another queen mattress for our old bed frame.

what i hear: we can use a queen bed, because we don’t need to save room in there for cribs.  because there won’t be cribs.  because we’ll never get to the take-home-baby part of all this IF bullshit.

and i sink down on some cheap mattress in the middle of the bedding section and try to hold it together.  unsuccessfully.  not a full blown tantrum, but it was fairly obvious that i was crying.  and i’m pretty sure it was ugly crying.

in the middle of ikea, in case you missed that part.

over a fucking bed.

yup, i was that girl.

so maybe i’m not doing as well as i thought.  in my head, admitting that we didn’t need that stupid twin/double bed was admitting that we would never have kids.  quite the bed, eh?  i just sat there telling R that we needed it.  even if we didn’t need room for two cribs, it would be a great bed for a kid.  and we’ll have one, soon.  even if IVF doesn’t work, we’ll know that fairly soon.  we have three more tries, so no more than a year, right?  and then we move on to adoption.  which won’t be speedy, but a five-year-plan is reasonable, right?  but i’m tired of waiting for a baby to do things.  like getting the new bras i’ve needed for 6+ months (but i refuse to buy, because when i do get knocked up, my boobs will be even bigger, right?) so i can’t buy anything else i need , but i need this bed, like now.

after wandering around getting everything else we needed and talking about the bed/ignoring each other, we end up back in the bedding section.

and i am a lucky, lucky girl, because after some more debate, R agreed to get the flimsy bed.  i had to pinky swear that we won’t buy another bed for the next ten years (unless there’s more than one kid of course, and cribs not included).  at least we ended the day with lots of dirty jokes and screws and holes as we put the bed together.


One thought on “well, that was awkward

  1. Sorry it was such a rough day. This kind of stuff sneaks up on you sometimes, and it sucks. But your story did make me laugh a teeny tiny bit, only because I was thinking of an episode of 30 Rock about crazy fights and breakups that happen at IKEA. 🙂

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