i’ve been reading and thinking…and reading…and thinking about this whole PAIL issue recently (rather than linking to all the posts i’ve been reading, check out the blogs hosting this healing salon. most of them have a summary and/or links to the relevant posts out there). please excuse this disjointed collection of my thoughts, but i want to get some of it out of my head (and procrastinate on my school work for a little while).
when we starting trying to make babies, i started checking out the bump (mostly because i had used the knot when we were wedding planning). i rarely ever posted anything, but i would sometimes lose hours lurking and reading about other women’s journeys. i was too self-conscious to ever add to the discussion though -i always felt like what i had to say was redundant and added too late to the conversation.
eventually i noticed that some of the ladies that i kept seeing around had links in their signatures to their blogs, so i started
stalking people there reading their blogs too. eventually, somehow, i found my way to Mel over at Stirrup Queens. soon, my already overloaded list on google reader was chock full of women in the midst of IF, which was a wonderful comfort and resource as we starting meeting with the first RE. i don’t remember how i first found my way there, but Mel, the community she has created, and you awesome chicks have kept me mostly sane so far on our journey. i am not a good enough writer to express to you all how much this community means to me. i’m guessing you get the feeling though, right?
even though i only found the ALI community and started blogging just a few short months ago, i have seen quite a few women get their elusive BFPs. and i am going to embrace that awful b-word that we all hate: i was (am?) bitter about it. i have deleted blogs from my reader. i have started skipping posts by pregnant bloggers that i haven’t deleted (yet?). some days i’m ok, and i can read about registries and anatomy scans. but some days i just can’t. after seeing yet another ultrasound picture on facebook from some old high school classmate, or having a student ask why i don’t have kids yet since i like them so much: sometimes i need a safe, kid free space.
after all this bruhaha, i was looking at my reader lists again. there are still pregnant women on there that i can read, even that i want to read. what the hell? but i think i figured it out. i can read the blogs where the blogger still actually writes. where there are emotions that i can sympathize with: hope, joy, fear. when they feel like a real person.
but i can’t keep reading the blogs that turn into nothing but weekly bump photos and lists of pregnancy symptoms. those are the ones i delete or skip. i’m sorry if one of them is yours. i wish you luck, and i hope to find you again someday when i am in a better place. but i can’t do it right now.
there were a few other points i wanted to make, but it has been a loooooong week, and i don’t remember what they were, so i guess i’ll just post this now.