i have half a dozen posts i’ve started and abandoned over the last couple of weeks that i’m going to go through and finish up. so here we go…
i keep trying to figure out what i am thinking and feeling as we start on round two, and it keeps coming back to one thing: fear.
i am terrified that this won’t work. i was ok-ish last time when we got the BFN, in part because i don’t think i ever really expected it to work. i started reading my first IF blog years ago, before we had even gotten married, by sheer chance. i started lurking on the TTTC and IF forums months before our first RE appointment. i knew better that to think that even going straight to IVF and ICSI would be the instant miracle that we had been waiting for. i had seen the stories of women on try four, try five, try six. i knew that the meds were a bit of a crap shoot the first time around.
but we had our failure now. we’ve paid our dues, right? there’s this tiny little glimmer of hope now. and i’m scared that this time when we get the call, i will fall to pieces. i’ve dealt with depression for years, and the thought of failing apart, really falling apart again, scares the shit out of me.
along the same lines, i’ve read enough stories out there to know that the fear doesn’t just go away when those two lines show up. and that scares me too. a BFN means this try is over, but we regroup, come up with a new plan, and try again. and again. and then we switch paths, and keep trying.
but a BFP? that just comes with nine months of milestones to fret over, right? i’m afraid that this fear, this constant waiting for the other shoe to drop, won’t go away until i finally hold this little baby in my arms. and that scares me too. (i won’t even get into my worries about when we want to try for baby #2. that’s really putting the cart before the horse!)
seriously, i’m afraid of…being afraid? IF really fucks with your head, doesn’t it.
but i guess you just have to keep doing what we’ve been doing right? just take it one day at a time.