waiting (im)patiently

i’ve been trying not to obsess during this 2ww, so i haven’t been updating much, not that there’s much to update about.  i mean, no one wants to read about the joys of endometrin, right?  i will admit though, earlier in the week i was reading my favorite new book by the bloggess, and between laughing so hard and the discharge from the meds, i was afraid i had actually peed myself.  if that’s not a stellar accolade for a novel, i don’t know what is.

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so here i sit, 4dp5dt, just waiting for friday to come.  we will not be testing before the beta – i know that no matter what it said, pregnant or not, that i would just second guess it anyway. so we’ll wait.  last time, i took the day off of work, and R worked from home, and we sat and waited for the call that didn’t end up coming until almost 5.  this time, i think that i am going to go to work (i missed three out of the last six days).  i’m going to leave me phone at home so i’m not tempted to answer it/listen to the message until R is home too.  if it’s good news, we’ve already decided we’re getting all dolled up and going to our favorite fancy restaurant to celebrate.  and if it’s not good news, we’re ordering in, watching a sappy movie, and getting drunk.  honestly, either plan sounds like a good way to spend an evening to me, but i’m hoping for a fancy date night 🙂

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did you hear?  it’s national infertility awareness week.  R and i talked about outing ourselves (well, really, me outing us) on facebook and posting some links this week, but he really wasn’t comfortable with it, and now that we re in the midst of the 2ww, i am kind of glad we didn’t this week.  although, i think we will both be ok with outing ourselves when we announce a pregnancy.  someday….

speaking of coming out of the IF closet, i read a post that sandipants wrote (her first actually) that i absolutely love and wish i could have written.  i’m definitely looking forward to more of her writing.

when i first heard about resolve’s advocacy day in washington this week, i was so excited, and instantly talked to R about going down to DC for the day.  but when i checked the calendar, i realized that the date was smack-dab in the middle of the Very Big Deal State Testing.  taking a testing day off is pretty much only allowed if you are able to provide your own death certificate, especially as a special education teacher.  i’m just hoping that next year, my calendar will be a bit more empty.  actually, if all goes well, i’ll be on maternity leave at this time next year, so i guess that would work.

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every step of the way this cycle has been a sharp contrast to when we were working with Princeton IVF.  i don’t think i really posted the details of ER and ET like a did during our last go around, but everything was really, really great this time.  the clinic has an actual, honest-to-goodness operating room for the procedures.  it all just felt so much more professional, you know?  and the nurse i worked with during my ER called the next day to check on how i was feeling.  and then, earlier today, my nurse from my local clinic called to see how i feeling and to make sure i was good with my amounts of meds.  at ET we got a little form with information from the embryologist.  it was actually more information than we got from Dr. Derman until i requested our records (and had to request our embryologist’s report specifically since they didn’t have it in my file at first).

talking with other women online, and at the IF support group i attend, i hear people complaining about larger clinics (like the one i am at now) feeling like baby making factories.  while i can totally understand this concern, i think that it is one of the things that made me feel more comfortable this time.  not that there’s any way to sugar coat it – i saw five different doctors and a physician’s assistant during the course of our cycle.  i had never met the doctor’s who preformed my ER or ET before (actually, i barely remember who even did our ER thanks to the fuzziness from the meds).  but that large ensemble of doctors working on our case actually makes me feel better.  the one thing that made me the most uncomfortable with Dr. Derman was that there wasn’t anyone else there making sure that things were ok.  and after that, i don’t think i necessarily trust doctors anymore.  but knowing that there are lots of eyes on us makes me feel like there are more checks and balances than last time around.

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all in all, i am feeling pretty optimistic right now.  but surprisingly, i am optimistic without being certain that we’ll get our BFP.  there’s a part of me that knows that, even if this time doesn’t work either, we are at such a better place (literally) and i am in such a better place (emotionally) that it will all be ok, no matter what.

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2 thoughts on “waiting (im)patiently

  1. Oh my god… the blogess and the chicken. I still can’t even talk about that story without laughing. Even better, my neighbors actually OWN that chicken. Cracks me up every time I walk by their house. Hope the rest of the 2WW goes by quickly for you!!

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