ok, so before a ramble on and on, let me just say: everything is ok. we had our first ultrasound this morning. (i know ultrasound photos were always tough for me, so they’ll all be put on their own page instead of in posts). dr. y was able to show us the pregnancy sac and the yolk sac, and said everything looked fine and really good. we’ll go back in next tuesday.
now let’s go back to 8 last night, shall we? around then, i went to the bathroom and promptly began to freak out. i had been spotting on and off for a few days, but it was very, very light pink, and mostly just on the applicator of my endometrin, so i knew it wasn’t a big deal. but last night, it looked like i had gotten my period: bright red, some small clots, and enough to have soaked my pantiliner. it was quite a few minutes until i was able to pull myself together and come to tell R. i tried to hold it together, but that didn’t happen. we put in a call to the clinic’s after hours number and waited.
and a half hour later, we called back. i also called in for a sub at school, and texted my co-teacher/bff, telling him what was going on and asking him to take care of my sub plans for me.
and we kept waiting for the doctor to call back. i knew that there was nothing he could do – if i was miscarrying, nothing we could do would stop it – but R didn’t know that, and i didn’t know how to tell him. i hadn’t given him too many details about what was happening, he’s enjoyed operating on a need to know basis concerning my body thus far. i think i asked him at one point if he had any questions, but he said no. so we just cuddled on the couch, sniffling and waiting.
around 10, we decided to just go to bed. i went to do my nightly dose of endmotrin (just in case), and noticed that there was still red blood, but not very much this time.
a little while later, the doctor called. i told him the basics, and that we were already scheduled for an ultrasound at 7 the next morning. he made sure to tell me that everything could still be ok – we wouldn’t know until they could see what was going on – and to keep taking my meds, but he sounded so sad and disappointed that i didn’t believe him very much
this morning, there was very little blood, and it was brown. i told R it looked like it had gotten better, and we headed out to the clinic. when i told my nurse (my wonderful, funny, cheerful nurse) what had happened, she got really quiet as she drew my blood. on one hand, this fucking terrified me, but on the other, it was nice to know that i was rightfully freaked out by what had happened. does that make sense?
dr. y came in and i repeated the story. and as soon as the ultrasound wand was inserted, she said right away it looked fine. she said she saw the pregnancy sac and the yolk sac, but i was crying too much to see the screen. there was no heartbeat yet, but we didn’t really expect to see one this early on. she said there was a small (1/2 cm) blood clot still in there, and there might be a little bleeding still. she said that what happened was probably that during implantation it knocked into a blood vessel. but everything looked “really good.”
thank fucking god.
so now, i am enjoying my unexpected sick day, curled up on the couch with agatha. trying to convince myself that we really are ok. and waiting for next tuesday morning to get here so i can see pignut again.