it’s a boy!

yesterday was our anatomy scan, and everything looked perfect!  (i’ll add the photos to pignut’s page soon).  and we found out that we will be having a little boy come new years!  it was so amazing to watch his little heart beating away in there – it reminds me of a butterfly.  between yesterday and the in-depth ultrasound we had back at 17 weeks after our scare, the sonographers were able to clearly see and measure everything that they needed to see.  although, i’m not going to lie, i wouldn’t have been disappointed in he decided to be stubborn and we got a third chance to see him 🙂

in other happy news, i have gained 7 pounds so far, 3 since my last appointment.  after my complete lack of diet there for a few months and losing weight, i was a bit worried.  but everything looks good.  i definitely have a baby bump now.  no strangers have outright said anything, but i have had quite a few people glance at my stomach and then hold doors open for me, so i think it’s becoming more obvious.

i will admit that i was pretty worried going into the appointment yesterday.  although i never had any more suspected leaking after our trip to L&D, i had some more very minor spotting a few days here and there.  there was one day that i freaked out and thought i was leaking, and off course rushed right off to dr. google.  and, surprise surprise, i was not comforted by what i read.  i saw numerous sites (but of course nothing official or from a reputable medical source) that said that the ferning test that the midwife did in L&D would not be accurate at least 5 1/2 hours after i had found/stopped leaking, and that the presence of blood during the test (and i was still spotting a bit) can lead to a false negative for amniotic fluid.  but in the end, luckily, i was just being paranoid and overreacting.  i made sure to specifically ask yesterday, and the fluid levels around pignut still looked good.

i did finally start to feel him kicking last week.  i think i missed the flutters that were supposed to come first, but i have always a bit of an irritable gut, and i think i just couldn’t tell what was baby and what was gas 🙂  but now (actually, right now too, he’s kicking away as i type) i am certain that it’s all the little boy.  and sunday night, R was able to feel him too.  honestly, i didn’t believe it was pignut until R felt him too.  we were just sitting watching tv with his hand on my  belly, and every now and then, i would ask if he felt that, but he always said no.  then all of a sudden, he turned to me wide eyed and asked if that was the baby.  it was so sweet, one of my favorite moments so far.  it was really neat yesterday too, when he headbutted me right as the sonographer was measuring his skull. it was surreal to see him move and feel him move at the same time.  just such an amazing experience.

even once  i had started feeling him though, i really wasn’t in a very good place for about the last two weeks.  i still hadn’t felt pignut move yet, and after the scare, i was convinced that there was something wrong and i just didn’t know it.  i think part of it is just my end-of-the-summer/need-to-go-back-to-work blues, but whenever i stop to think about it, i am terrified that we won’t be bringing this little boy home.  and, with the whole not working thing going on here, i have plenty of time to just sit around a worry.  it actually got to the point last week when i mentioned to R that it might be ok if we couldn’t get pregnant again. going over all the reasons why one kid would just be fine.  but really, i think it was that, at that moment, i couldn’t imagine putting myself through this anxiety again.  i’ve been reading a lot in the blogosphere lately about PTSD and infertility, increased risks for post partum depression, and depression in women even with a successful IVF cycle.  and it scares the shit out of me (and i really do what to write about more at some point).  i’m really hoping right now that this is just my summer funk, but i am definitely going to have to keep an eye on my mood for the next few weeks and make sure that it isn’t anything more serious this time.  i’m in my classroom getting ready this week, and the kids come next thursday, so hopefully that will help shake me out of it.  i hope.

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