a bit clearer today

first off, thank you to everyone who commented here, texted, or saw me in person today to check in about the work thing.  it means a lot to me.  for what it’s worth, i spoke to an administrator about the situation today.  i don’t know if it did any good really, but i feel better clearing up my role in the whole mess and expressing my concerns about the whole thing.  and i managed to remain pretty unemotional during the conversation, which is always a fear of mine when i try to advocate for myself.

——

i had started my very long-winded post yesterday talking about feeling like this same “issue” was popping up again and again in all parts of my life, but never really got around to clarifying what i meant.  (what, i started rambling and lost track of what i wanted to say?  i don’t believe it!) i have noticed, over the past few weeks, that i keep finding myself having conversations where i make some comment about my need to grow a spine (and yes, i recognize – even in the moment – how negative i am being about myself.  what can i say, old habits die hard).

like i said, i feel so very uncomfortable standing up for myself, and think i generally suck at it.  except for when it comes to infertility.  and i don’t quite get that, but man oh man do i love it.  i have no qualms advocating for this community and for our family.  in the beginning, i had a hard time keeping it to myself.  but since we’ve “come out,” i really enjoy educating other people about infertility, IVF, and how legislation impacts our families.  i can go on (and often do) for hours about it.

but i have such a hard time reconciling this passionate, outspoken part of life with the rest of it.  it feels almost like a split personality.  but, rationally, i know it’s not.  it’s all me, and even if i can only recognize it where infertility is concerned, i know that if i can (and do) advocate for myself then and there, i can (and do) do it in other parts of my life.

i was talking to a trusted co-worker about the work-email-kerfuffle the other day, and gone into her room planning to apologize for dragging her into the mess when i needed guidance (and actually, thinking what i wanted to say in the conversation was the seed of these posts).  but before i could really get into what i wanted to say, she cut me off, and it was like she read my mind:

she told me that she knows how good i am at standing up for myself.

and without knowing it, she had made the perfect statement.  made me know that all that stupid bull shit i was upset about would be ok.  seriously, i am tearing up a bit thinking of it right now.

that little comment – that one that she probably didn’t even realize the importance of, the one that some of you have texted/emailed/told me in the past 24 hours – i need to remember it more often.  i can’t thank you all enough, for seeing me even when i can’t sometimes.  but the view may just be getting a little bit clearer today.

thank you.

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One thought on “a bit clearer today

  1. Jen, I read an article on gaslighting the other day. I think the reason so many women have difficulty standing up for themselves is that, when they do, they get told they are crazy in one way or another. I also think that you will find standing up for your child is the most natural thing. Somehow, when it’s our kid we no longer care if we appear crazy. Anyway here’s the article http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/

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