first off, thank you to everyone who commented here, texted, or saw me in person today to check in about the work thing. it means a lot to me. for what it’s worth, i spoke to an administrator about the situation today. i don’t know if it did any good really, but i feel better clearing up my role in the whole mess and expressing my concerns about the whole thing. and i managed to remain pretty unemotional during the conversation, which is always a fear of mine when i try to advocate for myself.
i had started my very long-winded post yesterday talking about feeling like this same “issue” was popping up again and again in all parts of my life, but never really got around to clarifying what i meant. (what, i started rambling and lost track of what i wanted to say? i don’t believe it!) i have noticed, over the past few weeks, that i keep finding myself having conversations where i make some comment about my need to grow a spine (and yes, i recognize – even in the moment – how negative i am being about myself. what can i say, old habits die hard).
like i said, i feel so very uncomfortable standing up for myself, and think i generally suck at it. except for when it comes to infertility. and i don’t quite get that, but man oh man do i love it. i have no qualms advocating for this community and for our family. in the beginning, i had a hard time keeping it to myself. but since we’ve “come out,” i really enjoy educating other people about infertility, IVF, and how legislation impacts our families. i can go on (and often do) for hours about it.
but i have such a hard time reconciling this passionate, outspoken part of life with the rest of it. it feels almost like a split personality. but, rationally, i know it’s not. it’s all me, and even if i can only recognize it where infertility is concerned, i know that if i can (and do) advocate for myself then and there, i can (and do) do it in other parts of my life.
i was talking to a trusted co-worker about the work-email-kerfuffle the other day, and gone into her room planning to apologize for dragging her into the mess when i needed guidance (and actually, thinking what i wanted to say in the conversation was the seed of these posts). but before i could really get into what i wanted to say, she cut me off, and it was like she read my mind:
she told me that she knows how good i am at standing up for myself.
and without knowing it, she had made the perfect statement. made me know that all that stupid bull shit i was upset about would be ok. seriously, i am tearing up a bit thinking of it right now.
that little comment – that one that she probably didn’t even realize the importance of, the one that some of you have texted/emailed/told me in the past 24 hours – i need to remember it more often. i can’t thank you all enough, for seeing me even when i can’t sometimes. but the view may just be getting a little bit clearer today.