the big three-oh

so, um, hi there.  long time no see.  sorry for the radio silence for the past month.  the end of the school year + our first big vacation with a baby + figuring out how to to the stay-at-home-mom thing again + a six month old (holy crap!) = craziness.

on top of (despite?) all of that, i’ve been feeling really content lately, especially last night as we were cleaning up after a great day with friends.

i’m happy.  really, truly, honestly happy.  i don’t know if other people ever realize this about themselves and feel like it’s a big deal, but after bouncing around from therapist to therapist over the last third-ish of my life, this realization kind of shocked the hell out of me.

just over a decade ago, i was falling apart: i was failing classes and struggling to make friends at college.  trying to find the right dosage of meds to let me crawl out of bed in the morning.  my parents had split for the final time.  my relationship with my dad deteriorated.  i was watching everyone around me grow up and figure themselves out, and i just felt like i had missed out on a set of vital directions telling me how to do it.

fast forward a few years, and even though i had been lucky enough to meet the love of my life, we were just treading water.  we had moved 200 miles, and were waiting to have enough money/experience to be able to move back home, find good jobs, and start our lives.  we were spending too much time travelling back north instead of making friends here.  i managed to get myself fired from my first real job, and was spiraling back into my depression.

just two years ago, we were just starting our battle with infertility.  we didn’t know what that meant for us yet, just that we were heartbroken watching our friends and families start their families while we sat here with empty arms.  while we had accepted that new jersey was our home, found amazing jobs, and met some wonderful friends, there was still a large gaping hole we couldn’t fill.

but yesterday?  yesterday i spent my birthday with my amazing boys, watching Pignut get loved on by his “aunties” and other friends that have become family.  stuffed myself on yummy food that Ralph made while laughing


4 thoughts on “the big three-oh

  1. Hurray! !
    there’s nothing as wonderful as looking around yourself and realizing that everything in that one moment is perfect and you are perfectly happy. It doesn’t happen all that often for any of us, but when it does it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
    Oh, and happy birthday again! Welcome to the 30s!

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